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The Satirical NBA ft. the Golden State All-Star Squad

Writer's picture: Christian ClarkChristian Clark

What if Golden State's Starting 5 vanished?

BREAKING NEWS: The Warriors are the best team in basketball. In other news, water is not wet. I just started two debates there. Anyway, any casual fan or hardcore can already attest that Golden State has as much talent on their roster than some NBA All-Star teams have had in the past. Now, I don’t hate Golden State at all. I’m actually a big fan of the Splash Brothers, Steph Curry and Klay Thompson. They built their team the right way for the most part. They did draft Curry, Thompson, and Draymond Green before winning the NBA Finals.


Now, I know we spend ample amounts of energy calling out Kevin Durant for taking the easy route and joining a 73-9 team. A “snake” isn’t the right term for him. Seriously, can you blame the guy. He had an opportunity to win NBA Championships. Plus, Russell Westbrook takes 40 shots a game when he deserves probably half of that. Now, DeMarcus Cousins should be labeled as the real cupcake. He took the veteran minimum to play for a team that already seems unstoppable. It’s something that you should only be able to do on the NBA 2K video game. Instead, this superteam is a reality and as long as Kevin Durant and Stephen Curry are on the same team, it should continue to dominate the NBA for years to come.


There is hope for the other twenty-nine NBA teams to hoist the hardware next June. In fact, I have a foolproof, realistic, hypothetical situation in order to stop this Golden Gate train. Close your eyes. Squeeze them tight and imagine...imagine a world where the entire Golden State roster gets beamed up by an alien spaceship and taken away to a deserted planet for the 2018-19 NBA Season. If this happens, then these are the six teams NOT named the Warriors that can win the NBA Championship.


1. Boston Celtics

The Celtics are locked and loaded for what should be a thrilling season. Of course, Boston finished by crashing into a brick wall who goes by the name King James. He did leave a parting gift on his way by exiting the Eastern Conference for the first time in his career.. The Boston faithful should be elated to see their team rally behind their superstar’s devastating leg injury in the season opener and rise to the occasion for a near heroic run to the Finals.

With Gordon Hayward and Kyrie Irving back in the fold, not to mention the astronomical rise of Jayson Tatum expect to see Beantown’s first run to the Finals since 2010. That being said, they will need to find a way to create the same team balance and chemistry that they did throughout the course of last season. If they fail to capture this same magic, the season could end in disappointment.


Best Case Scenario: NBA Champions

Worst Case Scenario: Eastern Conference Finals


2. Houston Rockets


If it wasn’t for an atrocious three-point shooting performance in Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals, Houston could’ve been an NBA Champion in 2018. I have no doubt that a healthy Chris Paul would have propelled them into last year’s Finals and in all likelihood, defeat the weakened Cavs. It’s a moot point now as the Rockets will have to regroup for a new season. Hear me out: Houston can win the NBA Finals. Clint Capela is back and Carmelo Anthony in a reserve role can possibly help provide an extra burst to perhaps get the Rockets over the top. In fact, I believe they are the only hope in the Western Conference to unseat Golden State. Boston, Houston, and Golden State. Everyone else is in a whole other dimension.


Best Case Scenario: NBA Champions

Worst Case Scenario: Second Round Exit


3. Philadelphia 76ers


It’s a great time to be a Philly sports fanatic. The Eagles are the World Champions, the Phillies look ready to take over the NL East, and now the 76ers are out of annual demise and look like a legit Eastern Conference contender...if they can stay healthy that is. Ben Simmons, Joel Embiid, and veteran JJ Redick can give any team fits. I’m not sure if they have enough depth to make a deep run however. T.J. McConnell looks promising and the Wilson Chandler trade should provide a short-term upgrade. However, rookie Zhaire Smith is already having injury issues and Markelle Fultz is still a work in progress. If one of those players can evolve into a reliable contributor, the Sixers could be in business.


Best Case Scenario: NBA Finals runner-up

Worst Case Scenario: First Round Exit


4. Los Angeles Lakers


Any LeBron James team can NEVER be counted out. I don’t care what anyone else says. Yes, I’m well aware that this roster pales in comparison to the likes of the Warriors or Celtics. Then again, last year’s Cavaliers team wasn’t too impressive either. The team chemistry will be an interesting story with Lance Stephenson, LBJ, Lonzo Ball, and JaVale McGee. As things stand right now, I feel this is more of a Hollywood reality show than a true championship contender. In 2019, if Kawhi Leonard joins the team, or perhaps another star, then Los Angeles can realistically start thinking about championship number seventeen.


Best Case Scenario: Western Conference Finals

Worst Case Scenario: Miss Playoffs



5. Utah Jazz


Gordon Hayward’s departure to Boston had many to believe that the Jazz would take a step back in 2017-18. Well, Donovan Mitchell happened. He took the league by storm last year and helped Utah get back to the Western Conference Semifinals for a second consecutive year. Although it is a lot to ask, he may even need to reach another level for Utah to excel deep into the postseason.


The hype is around Mitchell but the good news is that his teammates were also able to elevate their level of play. The Jazz got a huge boost from Frenchman and Defensive Player of the Year, Rudy Gobert. I didn’t know much about small forward Joe Ingles but he showed up big in the postseason. All of this is without mentioning Derrick Favors, Ricky Rubio, or Jae Crowder. Salt Lake City knows their team plays excellent defense. If Utah managed to wiggle their way into the Conference Finals this season, I wouldn’t be surprised one bit.


Best Case Scenario: Western Conference Finals

Worst Case Scenario: First Round Exit


6. Toronto Raptors


For those who haven’t been keeping up with the NBA offseason, longtime star DeMar DeRozan is headed south to the San Antonio Spurs in exchange for oft-injured SF Kawhi Leonard. They needed a major shake-up as they realized that the status quo wouldn’t be enough. I mean, c’mon. I know you played LeBron but getting swept as a one seed? Truly embarrassing. Will this trade make things any different? Will Leonard stay up North beyond 2018? Probably not. That being said, Toronto has an excellent chance to make the Finals this year. The Raptors have been known to collapse in the playoffs but perhaps with a true superstar, they will thrive off his energy.


Best Case Scenario: NBA Finals runner-up

Worst Case Scenario: First Round Exit


Honorable Mentions:


HM #1: Milwaukee Bucks

Giannis can’t be all the Bucks have to offer if Milwaukee is expected to make it further than the First Round of the playoffs. Malcolm Brogdon and Eric Bledsoe are solid but unless they play out of their minds, the Finals isn’t a realistic goal for this team in their current state.


Best Case Scenario: Win a playoff series

Worst Case Scenario: First Round Exit


HM #2: Indiana Pacers

I was genuinely surprised on how well the Pacers played last year. They were kinda under the radar. Pushing the Cavs to Game 7 in Round One was a huge win for this young team. Victor Oladipo is their biggest star. The rest of their team plays with a lot of heart. No All-Stars but a team that can push any Eastern Conference team to the brink, and maybe knock them out of the playoffs under the right circumstances.


Best Case Scenario: Win a playoff series

Worst Case Scenario: First Round Exit


HM #3: Harlem Globetrotters

I tried...

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About Me
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My name is Christian Clark. I am a marketing and communications professional at Baylor University in Waco, TX. I majored in Advertising and Public Relations at the Hussman School of Journalism and Media located at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. 

 

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